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Captain Ukraine? Russia claims it’s losing to army of lab-created super soldiers


Russian officials may have been reading too many comic books, saying the unprovoked invasion of Ukraine has failed to make progress because they are losing to an army of lab-created super soldiers.

As reported in Kommersant (via The Daily Beast) an official “investigation” has unveiled “secret experiments” in certain Ukrainian “biolaboratories.” This conspiracy might sound familiar; it began on Twitter but quickly picked up momentum in the mainstream right wing mediasphere including Tucker Carlson. The theory goes that Russia invaded Ukraine to destroy “biolabs” (perhaps funded by Biden and run by Fauci) that would unleash something heinous upon the world (possibly a virus even worse than COVID-19).

Russia itself eventually picked up the rumor, happy to spread misinformation that framed America and NATO as the instigators. But only Stan Lee could have predicted the next twist. Now, high ranking Russian officials are boasting about bombshell findings in Ukraine, including “evidence” that the biolabs are conducting “secret experiments” on “drugged up” Ukrainian troops.

Irina Yarovaya, deputy chair of the State Duma, told reporters about “performance enhancing drugs” that “completely neutralize the last traces of human consciousness and turn them into the most cruel and deadly monsters.”

She added that “this system for the control and creation of a cruel murder machine was implemented under the management of the United States,” though they must have meant in a different timeline of the multiverse; here on Earth, the existence of American super soldiers would come as a surprise to every country that kicked our asses over the last fifty years.

Back in this reality, Russia ended an “operational pause” over the weekend, redoubling attacks in the disputed Donbas region. Russia has solidified control over some new territory along the counties’ shared border, but over the last three months Ukraine has been steadily recapturing land.

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